Grief, gouache and what’s next

In my intro essay to Hello, Goodbye: Words for What Remains, I wrote ‘loss visits everyone’. Last month we lost my nephew. Whilst I feel the pain of loss, I know it’s a fraction of that experienced by his immediate family. Grief has always informed my work, but this is heavier. Much heavier.

I won’t dwell here. Instead, I’ll question.

Now that I’ve returned to the studio, what shall I do? How will my artwork change?

I’m fortunate to have a bit of a blueprint. In June, I submitted an exhibition application that included the creation of 6 new chenille paintings. The success of that application has no bearing - I’ll simply make them.

Those paintings will inevitably take shape based on previous works. But they’ll also evolve in new ways. They will look different. They have to. Linda Perry’s lyrics come to mind - Just to get it all out, what's in my head.

I don’t know what this change will look like. All I can do is point to some of the shifts that have led me to where I am now.

In 2014, after a sustained period of making no work, I decided to paint. Just paint, without care or expectation of anyone seeing the work. I felt the best way to approach it was to do something I’d never done.

Orchids for Everyone, 2014, Pencil and gouache on 160gsm textured paper, 20.3 x 15.2 cm

I looked to a pad of gouache paper I’d been gifted about a decade earlier. I’d always loved its texture but felt it too small to work with. I bought some gouache and worked slowly, only completing two works on this paper. For the first work I referenced a book on Orchids, which was also a gift.

Peep, 2014, Pencil and gouache on 160gsm textured paper, 15.2 x 15.2 cm

The source image for the other work came from an mX newspaper I picked up on the commute home from work. After the first painting, I knew the contrast and colour would work well and I enjoyed cropping the image to focus on details.

Those two works were a jumping off point and led to my focus on flowers and the body as subjects.

Orchids for Everybody, 2015, Acrylic on canvas, 122 x 92 cm

Following those little paintings, I felt the desire to go big. I recreated the orchid work on canvas, ultimately editing out some of the original image. Instead of recreating the second image I worked with gouache on paper on a much larger scale.

Round Whole, 2015, Gouache on 640gsm paper, 100 x 75 cm

Each work built on the last. For example, the drips that were a subtle feature in the background of the orchid painting became a prominent feature in the next.

Bigger shifts continued to happen, like the desire for the work to be seen, which resulted in a solo show (Flowers and Peeps, 2015) and the move back to my comfort zone of painting on chenille etc.

Untitled, 1997, Magazine page, vinyl contact.

Art making doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Take for example the reference for the second large painting from when I was a first-year art student. A page torn from a magazine, some cut vinyl contact to frame an eye and an eraser to remove print carry both time and financial constraints.

Any work I make now will carry the emotional weight of what’s happening around me. Whilst I can be mindful of the rules I’ve set for myself, I have to do what moves me. It’s time to follow the work in whatever direction it needs to go (however big or small the shift).